Losing Myself-Essay 2

There was a time in my life when I lost track of myself, and allowed someone else to take over for a while.  In my mind, I was frail, too exhausted to deal with the reckless decisions I tend to make.  I gave up, and began my downward spiral into oblivion and loneliness.  I knew at the time that was I was doing to myself was wrong, but I sat back in a state of arrogance and pomposity as I watched my life crumble.  It soon became a fog, and my conscience was clogged with egotistical demands and guilt-ridden lectures from him.  I thought it was the right thing to do.  I thought he could never steer me wrong, but he did. 

            It started off in a way that any typical young romance does.  He was the sweetest person I had ever met before.  So sweet, that it was almost bizarre.  All of my past experiences with boys up until that point had been very immature and juvenile.  This, however, was different.  Right from the start, he made it known how “deeply” he cared about me.  He was thoughtful, mature, and truly had my best intentions at heart, or so I thought.  I had just begun my first year of college when we met.  At first, I had no real interest in him.  Sure, he was attractive, but his egotism resonated off of him instantly.  I got the feeling that he was trying too hard to impress me with his so-called wit, and I was immediately put off. 

            He did not give up on trying to pursue me, though. He was consistent with his phone calls, text messages, pleads to allow him to take me out.  I finally gave in, against my better judgment, and to my surprise, began liking him instantly.  He treated me like a lady, opening doors for me, pulling out my chair, and paying for our dates without even questioning it.  Before I knew it, we were seeing each other everyday.  The word love was being tossed around as though it was a football. His family treated me as if I was an actual member, as if he and I had been together for years.  He did romantic things for me that I had only heard about, never experienced.  For instance, when I got a seasonal position at a store in the mall, he surprised me with a leather Ipod cover from Coach, which thrilled me.

             When I look back on everything now, I realize that I did not fall in love with him.  I realize that I was in love with the way he treated me.  The words that came out of his mouth, the promises he made to me regarding our future together, hypnotized me.  He quickly became the only thing in my only line of vision.  I saw no one else, not my family or my friends. He would talk me into going out with him instead of going to class, and stupidly, I listened.  At a time when my schoolwork should have been my job, my number one priority, it simply became an annoyance, something so unimportant, I put it on the back burner.  By the time the semester ended, I only ended up passing two classes. 

            I just did not care about anything anymore.  He kept me under his radar at all times.  At first, I believed this to be romantic, a sign that he was so in love with me, he just wanted to protect me. Before long, I grew tired of it, realizing that it was not because he wanted the best for me, but rather, he wanted me all to himself. I realize now that the more items he bought for me, the more he put me under his spell.  It was his way of controlling me.  He began using the items as a tactic, as a way of threatening me if he thought I was going to leave.

            When we initially began dating, I still had a close group of childhood friends.  My friend Jen and I had an especially close and special relationship.  He, however, “disapproved” of her, because she was friendly with an ex-boyfriend of mine.  He began almost brainwashing me into believing that Jen was playing both sides of the fence, and whatever we talked about in private, she was disclosing to this ex-boyfriend.  Before long, none of my friends wanted anything to do with me, because they disliked him so much.  I cannot remember what finally caused the demise of my friendship with Jen, but all I know is that he was in my ear the whole time telling me that I didn’t need her, because I had him.  I only needed him.

            My relationship with my mother, which had always been strong, soon started to deteriorate as well.  She didn’t like the fact that I allowed a boy to have such a blinding hold on me.  She knew my schoolwork was being affected because of all the time I was spending with him.  I was hardly ever home, and this caused great tension between us.  It kills me now to think of the fact that my mom was hurting so much.  I assumed at the time that she was just upset because she felt that she was losing control over me.  I was, at this point, 19 years old, very immature, and just wanted independence from my parents.  It turns out, my mother just simply missed me.

            I was in a state of ignorant bliss for the next few months.  I loved his family dearly; in fact, I think that’s the only reason why I stuck around for as long as I did.  His parents were divorced, but only lived a few blocks from each other.  We went back and forth between the two houses.  I got a taste of what it was like to be involved in a family of divorce.  There was no lack of drama when it came to his emotions regarding this.  He was torn between the sorrow he had towards his father, and the anger he felt towards his mom for getting re-married.  She married a man whom they all knew, and he was certain that they had carried on an affair while his parents were still married.  This is a story I heard incessantly from his father and his uncles, though I honestly doubt it actually happened.  Regardless, it was none of my concern, but the fact that his family felt so comfortable and compelled to include me in such personal discussions made me even more connected. 

As I got to know his father better, I realized that his attitude and beliefs most likely contributed greatly to the divorce.  His father was born in Italy, and came over when he was a young boy.  Though he grew up here, he still held some of the close-minded and stereotypical mindsets that are often associated with Italian men.  For instance, during a heated conversation regarding his ex wife, he stated to me, something along the lines of, “I allowed her to work, and what does she do?  Goes out and has an affair.”  This statement stuck with me, because it was then that I realized his view on women had been passed down to his son.  The fact that he believes he “allowed” her to go out and work, means that he felt that he had complete control over her, and that was slowly starting to happen to me.  His mom felt like she was being suffocated, and had to escape.

            I had not worked since Christmas, and by the time summer had started, I was extremely low on money.  I decided to return to my usual summer job as a camp counselor for my third year.  When he found out, he was very upset.  He was certain that I was going to meet someone there and leave him.  I had never seen anyone so jealous for no reason whatsoever.  It really bothered me, and it was something that was always in the back of my mind.  It started to all make sense-he felt as though just because his mother left his father, that it was going to happen to him as well.

            Summer came and went, and we enrolled in community college together.  The night before classes started, he told me not to “dress cute” for school, because there was no one there that I needed to impress.  I just brushed it off and ignored him.  The following day, when we met up, he looked at me and said, “I thought you weren’t going to look nice.  Are you trying to meet guys here or something?”  I was utterly shocked and disgusted with his ridiculous jealousy and asinine accusations.  It was then that I realized that I was losing feelings for him.

            We started arguing more often.  When my mother pleaded with me to get a part time job, he made me feel guilty about it, saying that I would never have time to see him.  “I have money for you, honey.  Anything you want, I’ll buy you.”  While this might make a girl feel lucky and secure, I felt quite the opposite. I felt trapped.

            Before I knew it, I had lost all attraction to him.  Sometimes it literally made my stomach feel uneasy to kiss him, but I did it anyway.  I had no one else in my life.  I had secluded myself, pushed all of my friends away.  If I broke up with him, then I would have no one.  I had dug a deep, dark hole for myself, and I only had me to thank for it. 

            He must have sensed the fact that I was losing interest, because he soon became more domineering than ever.  It got to the point that even if I went out with my mom, my phone would be ringing nonstop.  If I was not with him, he had to know what I was doing at all times.  It was completely mentally and emotionally exhausting.  He questioned me relentlessly about where I was going, who I was with, and so on.  I just could not deal with it any longer, and told him I needed a break. 

            “Well for how long?” he desperately asked me, tears pouring down his face.

            “I don’t know.  I need time for myself.”

            “But how long is that going to take?”  Even when we were breaking up, he wore me out.  After about 3 days of not seeing each other, he came to my house and bribed me, telling me that if we got back together, he would take me shopping to the outlet stores in New York State.  I’ll be completely honest-at this point, I just didn’t care.  I wanted to use him, and make him feel like he had to kiss the ground I walked on.  He had put me through so much, had taken so much away from me, and was completely oblivious to it all.  He didn’t know me at all.  We went shopping, and I put up with him for a few more weeks.

            During this time, I became very friendly with a group of people from one of my classes at school.  We had worked on a project together, and decided to meet up for lunch one day.  My stomach did somersaults at the thought of telling him that I was meeting up with them, because 2 of the people were male.  When I finally disclosed this to him, he gave me the exact reaction I expected him to.  He was livid at the thought that I actually wanted to go out with people other than him.  My friends could tell something was wrong with me.  When I told them that my boyfriend was not happy, they questioned why I was with him. 

            “Does it bother you that he’s like that?”

            “Yes, very much.”

            “Well, why are you with him then?” Good question.

            A week later, I went out for lunch with the girl from that same group, Adrianna.  We were discussing our relationships, and I told her how unhappy I was.  She told me that it sounded like I was no longer in love, and that I should just end it.  Right around that time, he called my phone and asked what I was doing.  I told him, and he asked if the other guys were there too.  I said no, and he said, “Good, you’re never going out with them anyway.  Bye!” and hung up.  Right then and there, I knew what I had to do.

            Being in a relationship is supposed to bring joy to one’s life.  It’s supposed to be, for the most part, a wonderful experience.  It is not supposed to feel like a job.  I cringed whenever he came over my house.  I just wanted to be alone.  I finally worked up enough guts and did it.  I broke up with him, once and for all.  It was draining, his non-stop begging for me not to do it.  He even showed up at my house the next day with roses.  He just could not accept the fact that we were done, that I did not want him anymore. That’s when it became nasty.  The hurtful words that spewed out of his mouth were like venom, but I did not let it effect me.  I knew this was the right thing to do in order to get my life back.  A huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders that day.  Though it took an emotional toll on me, this relationship taught me exactly what I want and what I don’t want in a partner.  The immature decisions, though made over 5 years ago, still haunt me to this day.  The choices I made were like a snowball effect.  This relationship not only caused so much emotional pain, it set me back 2 years in school.  No, I’m not proud for allowing someone to take over my life for a while.  But the fact that I was able to take back my life, and put my relationships with my family and friends back together is a huge accomplishment for me.