More feedback, maybe?

Thanks to my group for giving me some feedback on my first eye essay.  Though I was aware of the difference between an "I" and "eye" essay, I was a little hesitant to use I in this one.  I was afraid that it would make it seem more like an "I" essay.  However, I now know that it's fine to do that, because an "eye" essay is all about observation, whereas an "I" essay is more about personal growth.  I liked writing about this topic, but I didn't want to make it sound like one big rant.  My group, as well as Dr. Chandler, told me that it did NOT sound like that, which I was relieved about.  Is there anything else that could help make this essay less essay-ish, and more of story?

I have some writing for the second "eye" essay, which I will be posting later on before class.  This one was a little harder to think of, but as I begin writing it, I find the words are easier to type.